King of the Monkey Butlers

April 25, 2007

Gone Gecko for the weekend…..

Payday just arrived, Holidays taken, Liverpool vs Chelsea leading into lazy days Thursday Friday, followed by big Gecko night Saturday and no more work till Wednesday......

Spo | April 25, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

April 24, 2007

Giant Squirrel Terror Rampage Finally Ended By Local Hunters……

Spo | April 24, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Ojeni

April 17, 2007

Small step for Spo, giant leap for Gecko…..

So the email has been sent - that of saying I want to hold off on any move to Rotterdam books until discussions can take place in July when I return - the not unreasonable excuse being that I want to be sure exactly how the tax / insurance / renumeration against current salary (Holland pays through the nose for taxes) / health all works out and then further how I transfer money to UK for the flat and other such things like National insurance - therefore I want to sit and talk this out before they go ahead and do it.

Sounded good when I read it back to myself before I hit send.

However, talk travels fast and word will probably be quietly muttering around of possible plans - sure I talk too much - but usually only to those I know well - but who they talk to etc etc..... I already picked up a couple of vibes from the powers that be that they may not be too sure of my intentions for the future - this fuels the fire for sure-sure.

Step one along the path of not being full of shit about this whole Gecko plan has definitely been taken.

Spo | April 17, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 17, 2007

The Day Today….

.... Shall forever be known as the day that I definitely decided to jack in the tea trade - a monotonous auction that lasted the best part of 4 hours had me losing the will to ever taste another cup of tea again as long as I live.

Gazing out the window thinking of swinging in hammocks and cool calm lake waters, my mind turned to arranging a mental playlist of recently purchased and pilfered tracks when I should of been marking the auction catalogue - we were not armed with any really strong bids to make noise and my attendance was superfluous to proceedings around me - it was like one of those waking dreams where you snap your attention back for a second and realise you’ve had your eyes open but your mind has been oblivious to all that has gone on for the last 10 to 15 minutes - just like when I used to zone out during maths exams, I quickly caught up and copied from those sitting next to me.

I decided many things during the sale -

• That Skee-lo’s “I Wish” should be followed by “My definition of a Boombastic Jazz Style” by the Dream Warriors and not by “Groove is in the Heart” by Deeelite.
• That I really shouldn’t call Antonetta but probably will at some point regardless of common sense, so should consider deleting her phone number - a motion the board is considering at this moment - but only considering.
• That I need to go shopping for food but England are playing cricket against South Africa so I will have to have empty cupboards for a day more.
• That once in Malawi permanently I will only really be able to leave once a year for visits elsewhere - which, if you think about the fact that I’m 30 this year, may mean that the amount of times I see people in the time left on the planet will be vastly reduced - answer = webcam I suppose - but still...... seeing friends and family once a year for a limited time....... makes you think.....
• That my Tattoo has finally more or less healed but needs a touch up or two to make him sharp-sharp - tempted to get another one at the same time.
• That I should consider flying to South Africa to see Grindhouse when it opens.

and

• That the decent thing to do and to avoid unnecessary hassle and confusion is to tell the head office I do not want to be moved on to the Rotterdam books for all things tax/salary/insurance/residence related - which is what is planned to happen from July 1st when they move me from the UK office books - if I tell them now then I will be able to manage my move to Malawi a lot easier from UK/Holland with regard to finance - also the head office will not have to jump through hoops to do all the necessary bureaucratic application paper work for someone who is about to nip off to Africa as soon as the ink is dry.

However, saying such things does kind of kick off a fire alarm that screams of possible uncertainty about the future - leading them to ask questions of my plans and then I will end up admitting that I’m leaving - which has to be done I know - but I wasn’t planning on doing it just yet - I wanted to get my finances in order just in case they may say in a if you’re not committed to the cause then don’t help sail the ship type way that it’s better to leave earlier than November/December I’ve planned for...... Hmmmm..... but it’s gotta be done I guess - I think I can use the excuse of my flat and payments from Holland to UK banks / tax increases in holland needing to be discussed upon my return - still, it’ll ring some bells that’s for sure - but yeah, it’s gotta be done.

Then when I snapped back to reality the sale was drawing to a close and all around where packing up and making notes - one of the producers came up to me to ask how I thought the auction had gone and without thinking I almost blurted out:

I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a ‘64 Impala...........I wish I was at the lake already.

Spo | April 17, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 16, 2007

I Wish….

.....that all things in life could run as smoothly as when I used the super-dooper electronic communications exchange of information high-speed highway device on Sunday - I type in Skee-lo “I wish” in google - come across AM.180 run by a man named Thomas - doesn’t have quite the right version I’m looking for, remix without the hook - send the man a mail and by Monday he finds & sorts out a link to the original download MP.3 for me!

Used yousendit.com just this second to return the favour, with Addis Black Widow’s “Innocent” soon to join his music collection.

There’s good people in the world with fine tastes in music and thankfully many of them use this internet ojeni.

Muchos Gracias Mr.Thomas!

April 13, 2007

For When Life Fits LIIIIKKKKEEE A GLOVE….

Seriously not earning a penny of my pay at the moment - spending all day on msn with everyone, Hanh on yahoo, Lauren on Skype..... messing about with I-tunes and searching about the super dooper highway electronic communication device for new music.

The other day I did some running round with Nicole for the shop after a long lunch at cool little restaurant called Red Pepper that makes the best Piri Piri Chicken on the planet.

A bold statement - but I stand by it.

Day before I drifted off and went shopping, paid my sat.DSTV, got my car checked out, went to travel agents, filled up on petrol, got money sorted, called in at the post office, went camera hunting.... generally just took care of the little things in life rather than actually spending any time in the office earning the actual money to take care of all those little things in life....

Really have lost the will to work for tea and my mind is only on the future at the lake.

Last Easter Wknd was massive - think we had 150-200 people at Gecko at one point - played all night long - knocked it out the park - compared to the other places up there on the shore, we fucking owned Easter - every track played hit it’s mark and the bar and restaurant ran at full steam the whole night through without too many fuck ups.

Smiling faces everywhere.

Could of been the various cocktails of mood embellishing substances in the blood stream though.

Most importantly this time we took a hell of a lot of money over the bar - with the tabs tallied and the food & chalets taken into consideration, it was probably a 500’000kw day of things - around $3500 - for a bar in Africa that’s some serious money.

Looking around the day after I was just thinking of the future and how I want it all to start as soon as possible - and I’ve been putting a lot of thought into how soon that could be.

Original plan was December - but we have so much cooking at the moment - so much I want to get started on - so many big plans.... ahhhhh but....

I do respect the fact my current company has given me a great deal though - I won’t just hand a months notice and disappear - I’ll assist with the new guy and his training and I’ll make sure they are in a position that isn’t too stretched when I finally bail - three months notice and then extend if they need me to..... but man that is going to be a hard conversation to have - the one where I say I’m leaving after 10 years and all this experience, travel, training and trust..... however I can see clearly what the next 5 years look like and they resemble a 9-5 office based struggle with cash in a Western world and no real desire or responsibility on the job front.

Going through the motions on the conveyor belt of everyday existence.

Although I do taste tea for a living and that seems like it isn’t exactly an everyday type of job, at the end of the day it’s a commodity and bought and sold in the same kind of way as everything else - sitting in an office writing emails and making calls - many of which amount to nothing. This job comes alive when you are in the countries of origin and you have a bit of responsibility to make your own decisions - but the admin end is just as soul sucking as it is in any other walk of life.

Hell, I’ve been on auto pilot since leaving Vietnam I think.

2004.

That was the last time I felt driven and enthusiastic about the work I was doing - I recognise the same feeling inside when I think about what I’m going to do at the lake - which is how I know it is the right thing for me now.

It feels like a very long time since Vietnam and the last time I’ve felt like that.

3 or 4 years of drifting since then.

3 or 4 years of drinking seriously too.

hmmmm..... that’s another one to look at soon perhaps - the drink is flowing a little to freely at the moment - expensive tastes as well..... all the relevant whiskey I can get my grubby little hands on .... but then again, to be fair the cricket world cup is on and I have found a new love in my life - and with that comes celebration.

I think that beforehand I dismissed the sport as simply being too long drawn out and too damn fucking complicated - all those numbers and % everywhere across the bottom of the screen - no idea who is who and why they are doing what they’re doing. However now it has all opened up - it’s like I speak another language - what was once gibberish now makes perfect sense - run rates, overs, batting averages, boundaries, fours and sixes..... the game that turned me was England vs Sri Lanka - that was better than any football match I’ve seen for about 5 years or so - for it all to end on the final ball and then to find later that they only bowled 5 balls in an over instead of 6 and..... I won’t go into this too much as I am aware of the fact the majority reading are like me before I turned - cricket = boringasseddon’tgiveaflyingfuckmate.

Anyways - I love cricket now.

Although Australia do seem to take the fun out of it by being virtually indestructible and battering everyone who steps to the crease.

Hmmmm...... spoke to Lauren most of the afternoon on Skype - seems as if there was an earthquake tremor near the lake and the city of Lilongwe - Malawi being the tail end of the East African rift valley then these things happen every so often - villagers running around wailing and screaming like the sky was going to fall down apparently.

Just a tremor and a bit of shakey-shakey though.

Yuni would not be impressed after the proper real deals of Jakarta in comparison.

Merely a murmur she’d say.

Not heard from her all week - guess she’s mulling over the last mail where I mapped out the whole plan of pay and costs - what we’re going to do up at the lake if she comes - how we’ll live, what we’ll be responsible for, she wanted to know all about the little things like tv phones internet etc - what the day to day would be.

Truth is that before I just kind of looked on it like if she came it would be califragfuckinglistic, if not then it wouldn’t be the end of the world - I do appreciate her family situation over there so I knew it was no easy answer - but now we’ve made all these extra plans about the development of the business - the expansion of the bar to incorporate two more ventures, the shop and the water project taking off just now… plus a few other ideas we have cooked up - I’m really going to need her to manage to take all this on.

Hmmmm...... I think I need to call her tmw.... see how she feels about it all.

Right - home and rest - no lake, no 6am Tuska seeing the dawn in shindig, definitely no little green tablets.… and in fact no drinking this wknd.

Well, no heavy drinking this wknd.

I mean it is FA Cup Semi Final day on Sunday after all.

Spo | April 13, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 13, 2007

Midget Breakdancing - enough said.

Spo | April 13, 2007 | Comments

April 11, 2007

Nap-attack…..

Gecko chow time on Saturday evening - sat at the Kings table with Paul and Lauren - gust of wind and then something scuttled down my leg - I freaked big time and jumped out my seat, leaping around the veranda.

“Fuck! Fuck! Spider! Spider! Fuck! Fuck! Spider! Spider! Fuck! Fuck!”

As we have established in the past - I do not like fucking spiders - so then i peered down in the blackness under the table to see what it was - there was something long and white lying there.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!” I bellowed - still leaping on the spot pointing at my unidentified nemesis like a man possessed with unholy fear unseen since...... erm.... the last time I saw a spider I suppose.

Lauren stifled laughter for a second before asking “What? you mean the Serviette napkin??”

Leading to the two of them cracking to pieces to the point of laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe and then telling the tale to all and sundry - everyone ripped me for the rest of the weekend.

Suffice to say I am not expecting to hear the end of this matter for a long time to come.

It felt like a fucking spider though.

It did.

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 11, 2007

Day in the Life of Jakartan Weekend……

From wayyyyyy back - I read this over again this morning and it really nails the average Jakartan Sunday

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal

April 11, 2007

A DUCK walks into a bar……

........and asks the barman: “Do you have bread?”

Barman: “No.”

Duck: “Any bread?”

Barman: “No bread at all.”

Duck: “No bread then?”

Barman: “No! We’ve got no bread.”

Duck: “Not even any old bread?”

Barman: “Are you stupid or what? We have NO bread. If you ask me again I’m going to nail your f***ing beak to the bar counter.”

Duck: “Do you have nails?”

Barman: “NO!”

Duck: “And bread?”

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 4, 2007

She’s surely on board the good ship Gecko…..

Yuni emailed to ask that if she comes, how much we’re going to be able to set aside for the folks back in Jakarta, general expenses back there and her daughters education over the next year or so.....

Knew she’d come around.... just need to put it altogether for her.

Making a plan with Anton this weekend to agree on the payment of the 30%...... doing a thorough stock assessment and costing of the last years profits....

Love it when a plan comes together.

Best start looking to December flights back to Blantyre should all run as smoothly as this....

Big 4 day weekend at the lake starting Friday - driving up tmw round 2pm - whole lakeshore is booked out - people can’t even find camping - going to be a Gargantuan Gecko Kampango Banger Bash of note

We’ve even banned alcohol Sunday-Thursday in preparation - and that’s even with all the cricket world cup and champions league action this week.

Alright, I may have had a few Carlsberg Greens over the Liverpool game last night.

But Beer doesn’t count.

Anyways - here comes the monster weekend - Most Splendid.....

Spo | April 4, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 4, 2007

And your host for this evening is….

Paul says: tv malawi want us to do a program about current affairs - interviews etc

Spo says: we are aware of current affairs

Paul says: could be fun

Spo says: can i be in it for some reason?

you can host it if you want

hehahaha - it is tv malawi so i geuss i don’t have to be experienced - is it out in the field?

where ever we feel. they want a test tape

i’ll be happy to do what ever you want - but no hairy bobbing man ass shots

lol - tourism

yes my hairy bobbing man ass will not be good for Malawian tourism

if they like it we can have a weekly slot, starting on sat morning.. and work our way into an evening slot

yet another career move..... can i have a really attractive co-host - like that Malawian girl from around your office or Nicole?

sure

Splendid

we’ve got the camara… its a matter of editing

splendid

i want to do a Larry King

like HARD TALK on BBC?

talking to these strange malawians

box-2’s and the like

cloud be funny

very very funny

Spo | April 4, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

April 1, 2007

Morning Moonbat Boy…..where’s your brain gone?

The Saturday dawn breaking outside as another night at Tuska headed for close - myself and Lauren worse for “where the fuck are we” as we journeyed back round from the dark side of the moon - then a friend longtime unseen with my eyes put a green tablet in each of our palms and said “Take these as gifts - good to see you again - enjoy” - he’d been buying the drinks the best part of the night, so who are we to refuse more hospitality?

Fools.

Down the hatch what ever they may be, along with another shot of whiskey to see them on their merry way.

Then I had the good sense to say “we need to get to where ever we are going to be before what ever we’ve just taken kicks our heads to Mars - reckon we got 30 minutes”

We gathered John from the dance-floor and headed for home.

Too late.

Came up like a motherfucker slap bang in the middle of the morning traffic.

First time in 7 years or so - can’t ever remember a stronger wave of “Ohfuckmewhere’smyheadjustfuckinggone” - there’s a time and a place for such long returns to such states of mind - and 6am traffic definitely doesn’t fit the bill

Chaos reigned for a time before I managed to pull over and let John drive - luckily not a recipient of the same “gift” my old achemwene had handed us not 15 minutes before.

In both senses of the phrase I span out the door to crash in the back seat, as I did I turned into my alter-ego “Moonbat Boy”.

Spent the rest of the morning looking pretty damn surprised by life in general and responding to conversations about 40 minutes too late - kind of situation where the majority of what is said to you is along the lines of “what the fuck on earth are you talking about?”

Bedroom activities also suffered on an account of forgetting what the bejesus it was I was supposed to be doing.

Don’t really think I got my shit together for about 24 hours to be honest.

All in another days work for Moonbat boy - hopefully his reign of confused chaos will remain consigned to what ever world he comes from for ever more......

...As Lord knows the next time that good friend of mine hands me a little green gift at 6am I’ll politely decline, no matter how far round the dark side of the moon I maybe.