King of the Monkey Butlers

September 28, 2006

Maybe… just maybe………

One of the strangest times I ever had was when she hadn’t called for a while and I had decided to leave it - but then time ticked by and I thought about just going out and getting on with my weekend - but if she called......

.....so I picked up the phone to dial and a familiar voice said “hello” straight off the bat - she was already on the other end - I had yet to touch a number - she had called at exactly the same time - didn’t even hear one ring - freaky as an aluminous midget in a clown mask.

I don’t think I’m the only person in the world that has loved and lost and never seen the girl again - I don’t think I’m alone in getting a few years down the line and thinking “I wonder what happened to her” - the girl in question really had my head in a spin back then - Kirtsy

I told her I loved her when I was way too stoned at the train station that time and then I think that was more or less the end of it all - saw someone walk past the other day and for a second thought it was her - got me thinking.....

So I end up typing a name into google and seeing what comes up - this is curiosity, not being a stalker I tell myself - she always wanted to travel so maybe she appears running a bar off the beaten track in India or bunjee jumping off bridges in Australia like we talked about after parachuting or maybe even down the road living in Amsterdam seeing as she loved that good old green so much.....

So I only get 3 possibly different hits and I eliminated two of them based on age and area leaving me with one possibility - click the link and it is a list of specialist agents working for travel to Tasmania hmmmm..... someone of the exactly the same name works the Exmouth branch - fuck - more than likely could be her - she always wanted to travel to the part of the world where Tasmania resides and Exmouth isn’t too far off from the surf places in Devon she used to go down to…

Now the real flat out twilight zone higher power at work moment comes when my eye catches who works at the Thomas Cook Retail Ltd Belfast branch.

I do apparently.

Although I don’t.

But another me does.

Just as I did back on the day after that freaky phone call, if I was still a stoner I’d totally be eulogising about how this is one of those glitches in the system -one of those hidden signposts of destiny - the higher powers that be dropping the ball for a second and accidentally giving the game away about how there’s a plan for everyone - it’s all laid out - you just have to trip the right switches read the signs and follow your instincts..

and you end up where you are supposed to be with whom you are supposed to be with.

But I’m not a stoner anymore - so I just put it down to blind coincidence and move on with my day.

Maybe I should start smoking mari-jo again.

September 26, 2006

Isn’t that Winston?…..

Channel Flicking the other day I came across one of my all time top ten B-movies No Escape starring one of my all time top ten B-movie actors Ray Liotta - good old pasty moon faced sweat ball Liotta - so fucking outstanding as Henry Hill in Goodfella's and then never quite got back up to that kind of level but made a living off the quick to temper psycho/cop schtick in flicks like Unlawful Entry, Turbulence, Hannibal, Narc and erm.... Opertaion Dumbo Drop.

So Liotta has a problem with authority, blows away his psycho army colonel for moral reasons of righteousness and ends up in a privately run maximum security prison doing life - yet this place cannot hold the angry ball of sweat that is Ray Liotta - no one tells him what to do - plus he's sarcastic and scary - so he gets dumped on a remote island where all the worlds most hardened criminals are secretly sent and left to riot and rot, indulging in Lord of the Flies type good vs evil shenanigans.

You've got the cannibalistic forest folk called the outsiders, who seem to have regressed back to the Neanderthal age and jump around making monkey noises and biting each other - that is until angry yet witty resident bad guy from Lethal Weapon 3 leader bean shoots a few of them while cracking a few jokes and tells them to behave - and you've got the actually quite nice and humorously clever passive folk who knit clothing, keep a farm and have an Ewok village type scenario run by Bishop from Aliens whom they all call "the Father".

Winston from Ghostbusters seems to have ended up there - Inspector Wycliffe off old Sunday Telly is there too - and so has a post platoon pre-punished by drugs and drink Kevin Dillon, who at the time seemed to think that being a sort of mirror-yet-mongoloid version of brother Matt will win him stardom - It didn't - Although I'll always remember him for that famous quote from Platoon "Holy shit, d'you see that fuckin' head come apart, man? "

And along with the above there's a midget.

Yes that's right a midget.

First you have a maximum security prison that is a last resort for criminals society just can't control - then when that maximum security prison can't handle them, they get chucked out a helicopter onto the island of no return - we're talking serious bad ass mother fuckers here surely? We're talking double figure serial killers and baby eaters that can't be reasoned with right? and they've got a fucking midget on the island? Winston from Ghostbusters I can almost believe, as he's a big fucker by the time they filmed this - you wouldn't fuck with Winston - and maybe Wycliffe because he says he built huge terrorist bombs for money so, Ok, he got his just rewards- but the fucking midget?

What the fuck could that midget of done to get on the worlds worst list?

Maybe he was one of the Little Cigars. maybe he broke into a zoo and butt-humped a chimp to death.... maybe he was a horny elf that went too far at the pantomime... maybe he stole a kids toy tractor and demolished a model viallge..... who knows...

September 23, 2006

Death by Stereo!

You know, I still haven't got around to sorting out my insurance in case of accident and emergency - in UK it's all national health, but as I work in Holland yet still on UK books, I'm technically in limbo and should get travel insurance while I'm not registered as working here - it costs about 100 quid from Boots and I've always just kept on putting it off for the next month as money has been tight of late.

To compensate, I just try and pay more attention when crossing the road or around Final Destination type situations such as ironing, cooking or getting out the shower etc. - I don't fear the reaper baby!

I's also partly because I don't actually see anything tangible for my money - I hand over 100 quid and then in 6 months time do it again - I want a certificate or an award or something - perhaps a plaque saying -congratulations you are still alive and well and living on planet earth.

The only way I get value for money is if I am horribly injured or suffering from a go to hospital type illness - it's a bit like making a bet I bet you I can avoid being horribly maimed over the next 6 months and if I'm not I give you 100 pounds - but if I am you have to look after me until I am better regardless of the cost now, if I was still in Vietnam or Indonesia, then as an insurance salesman I wouldn't like those odds there was all manner of randomly dangerous elements floating around my general existence on a daily basis over there - but in Holland? What can possibly happen to me here that I wouldn't see coming? trams? bikes?

A rather ridiculous statement I know who ever does see things coming when it comes to life threatening situations well, apart from the blindingly stupid ones - you know, the folk who look down gun barrels or jump off things without looking first - or the ones who are a bit reluctant to ever admit there is anything wrong with them and then let things fester, only visiting the doctor to do something about it when bits of them finally explode - or those who work in dangerous situations like the circus, the zoo, building sites, on or with moving vehicles - or even just drive in general - or people who put their hands on things to find out if they are hot....

Look, I'm not going to just list situations that are possibly dangerous as we could be here forever - or not, should reading this post also be a dangerous situation - but my point is that I am a non-trapezing, non-lion feeding, non-drill operating, non-driving tea taster and my every day existence isn't really very dangerous these days - apart from the steam from kettles or falling down my ridiculously narrow staircase, I exist in a relatively safe state of play in the world - even though I've had my possible Darwin award moments or that I watch a lot of CSI and Six feet under and fully understand that the random unpredictable nature of danger means you can't plan for it, I'm still fairly confident that if someone bet me 100 quid that I will be OK in 6 months time, I would end up taking their money.

End of each month I look at the money saved (not much lately) and then think Fuck it, I'll just be careful , which I know I can't keep on doing - but I'm looking at the next month ahead and thinking yeah, not actually looking that dangerous and if I start to feel ill I can just ring up and buy insurance and then go to hospital later - like when I had appendicitis there was at least half a day of feeling rotten before being rushed to the hospital - well not rushed, more slow awkward walk - but it was time enough to have bought some insurance - I know this because I've bought travel insurance before when off to Vietnam etc - it takes about 15 mins and you pay over the electronic-super-dooper-communications-highway or the phone.

And if that didn't work I'd just have to catch a quick flight back to the UK and go to hospital there.

So really all I have to look out for are those explosive out of nowhere moments that render you unconscious and then you wake up in hospital - before you have had time to buy any insurance - then you are a bit fucked - financially and physically - those are the ones I've got to look out for.

The out of control truck driven by a drunk yokel or the speeding cyclist in the blind spot - the falling down an open manhole or the I left the gas on explosion - the terrorist attack or the escaped angry panda - or a combination of those two things - bet no one would see that coming they attacked using a mass(?) of angry escaped Pandas - who'd a thunk it eh? (I do live next door to the zoo actually) and I think most of these I'm not walking away from, or waking up from - so I still lose my money.

Look, at this point I know there may be a few of you raising your eyebrows and perhaps even exasperatingly flailing their arms to the heavens and exclaiming you're a Fuckwit!!! of course you need insurance!!! - like Beverley for example - I know she is doing that right now - she knows my full history of instances of an unfortunate nature and is well aware that I am prone to disaster - but apart from burning myself on the iron a while ago I've not been doing bad lately - that's right - I've not managed to nearly kill myself for around about four or five months I'd say - definitely progress......

OK - I'm tempting fate aren't I?

I say touch some wood

you say tap yourself on the head and make the call, doofus

OK - I'll get some insurance next month - I promise - just not this month as I am going back to the UK for a couple of weeks on October 13th so I just have to be careful until then after which I'm protected by national health until the 29th and then I am back to Holland and the land of danger.

.... Actually October the 13th is a Friday.... doo nee noo noo, doo nee noo noo .....

If anyone knows the collective noun for pandas please let me know - I think perhaps maybe a "gruff?"

My epitaph:

He was killed by an escaped angry gruff of pandas.

And he didn't even have insurance.

But they killed him so he didn't need it.

So he kind of beat the system.

Spo | September 23, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

September 21, 2006

I’ll change my life tomorrow instead…..

I suppose in such times I'm supposed to write and just see where I go - but what to say? Vacant - say anything honest - say I'm 29 years old and living on my own and each day is drastically in danger of being a repeat of the day before and I'm not doing enough to change that situation - that I never seem to be happy in one place for more than five fucking minutes until I'm looking round the corner.... wanderlust.....

..that on the way back from work I saw an attractive woman walking her dog past my place and played out this scenario in my head where I go up and say something along the lines of people don't take risks then they never get anywhere in life so I figured the worst that could happen is you say no when I ask if you'd like to go for a drink and then scratched that as smug practiced claptrap asking to get shot down and thought about just saying Hi, do you live round here? then thought that sounds like a line from a serial killer - so how about asking for directions? but couldn't think of anywhere I wanted to know the directions to - then told myself I was a fuckwit and that the destination doesn't fucking matter it's an opener - you just pretend you don't know where something is - you don't actually need directions - so you tell her you just moved here - she probably says something back leading to you asking if she's from round the way as well...

. ....then leading tome saying something like nice dog I like cats - less hassle - I find dogs are just clumsy big hairy children constantly looking for attention - the banal loyalty - there's the wet dog hair smell - the drool - and imagine standing in dog crap first thing in the morning - couldn't have that - I'd have to cancel everything the day had to offer after that - might even have the dog put down on the spur of the moment - can't be done with it.

STOP talking!..... too late...... probably time to leave by then.

Just say Hi

Fuck it - I'll change my life tomorrow instead.

Spo | September 21, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

September 13, 2006

Good times on Good terms…..

The phone rang at around 6am If you lived your whole life in one corner of the world then you would assume that someone either has the wrong number, has the wrong sense of humour or has been on the wrong end of one of life' less desirable twists and it's bad news that couldn't wait for a more godly hour.

Unless, that is, you have ex-girlfriends in far away places that never quite grasp that whole time zone thing - or simply don't care wake up lazy man the voice purred - it was Hanh in Vietnam - good to hear her voice at any time of day - if it had been wake up smiley then that would have been Yuni in Indonesia - another always welcome interruption in life.

One girl confined to the history books is Debbie - a girl I was with while I was in Malawi about six years ago - damn - didn't realise it had been that long until I typed that - anyways, my good friend Robin (who I worked with in Indo) now works in our office over there - the warm heart of Africa this little southern African country wedged between the likes of Zambia, Mozambique and Tanzania that has half its size devoted to Lake Nyasa - subsequently the country has only two main cities and the social life in these places is quite close knit - in one night you could visit five or six bars in Blantyre and you've pretty much done the whole place (that isn't off the beaten track anyways) and you can more or less guarantee that you'll run into everyone worth running into.

Sure enough Robin met Debbie - she had been living with a guy in South Africa and was back in town for a while after they broke up - apparently she still refers to me as her boyfriend and insists that I'm coming back one day - which I am as soon as I can afford to make a plan.

Debbie was always a bit shot away when it came to the goods upstairs - but she was damn fine company, a damn fine dancer and always very easy on the eye - sure, after I left there used to be a lot of middle of the night drunk-stoned-hysterical phone calls - and ok, maybe one time she rang pretending she was her sister and told me that Debbie had died in order to find out what my reaction was going to be - and then following that on Valentines day she rang to tell me she'd got married - as it happened I wished her well and said I was really pleased for her and hung up - that was the last time we spoke.

Really she hadn't got married at all and she was erm... just finding out what my reaction was going to be.

So yeah, a few biscuits short of a packet.

But still, I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

You see I never really left any of these women - I just left the countries they were in.

September 12, 2006

Walking Juke-box …..

An old playlist came up with Massive Attacks Unfinished Sympathy while on the walk to work this morning - passing the college and then through the Train station out into the open on the way to the Metro - that time in the morning when everyone is on autopilot just getting on with getting to where they got to be - you pass people from all walks of life - all in a trance - so surreal, as it all seemed like I was actually in the video.

Spo | September 12, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

September 11, 2006

Everything paused.

I just remember being at work in the UK - a slow day and the boss away - and then suddenly a rash of phone calls and the internet slowing down - my brother at home with a whole bunch of people all watching Sky News and saying how nobody knew who had done it and nobody knew how many planes where missing.

All the people crowding round TV screens in shop windows down in the street - how quiet everyone was - lost for words - I said to Mark that this seemed like the beginning of world war three but had no idea of the identity of those involved.

The fires and the huge clouds of smoke trailing across the sky line and then everything paused as the towers went down - and I couldn’t comprehend that - buildings of that size - massive buildings - - all at once.

I always thought about what I’d do - who I’d call - how I’d get out of it - but imagine getting past all that and knowing without a doubt it’s all to no avail - how it was an average day and there was no real warning or indication and could be just like any other minute of any other day - no significance to September 11th that I knew of - not the case now.

I had never considered that something on that scale was a threat to everyday living until that day - now I look at places like London and just keep thinking it’s all a matter of time - it doesn’t really affect how you go about your life - but at the back of your mind you know - you see the news stations just primed for it - like they’re on starters orders.

Spo | September 11, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

September 9, 2006

Drink to get Drunk…..

I drink and drink and then I want to smoke - but I can suppress it - know it is not essential - drunk though I may be - I can take my mind off it - move along - you don’t need the cigarettes - you can go about your business - move along - move along....

But then....

You see Dennis Hoppper ask for one of those Chesterfields in True Romance

And it looks soooooooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooood

so good.

Greatest smoke in the history of cinema.

and all you want.

and all you need

is a god damn motherfucking cigarette.

and all in the world will be complete.

and all in the world will be right.

and all that is needed to make it so.

is one god damn motherfucking cigarette.

god damn it.
I ran out of alcohol so I decided to raid the expensive stuff the land lady left in the rack - I wasn’t supposed to touch it - it’s probably far more pricey than I realise - the kind of wine you order for an occaison - not just when you are plain rabid - but I really wasn’t quite there yet, y’know? I’d got drunk to the point of haze - of smirk - of easy - but I’d underestimated the gas to get back from the dark side of the moon - I wanted to do the round trip - so.... i looked at what was before me and decided upon the bottle that was going to do the least damage to my bank account - popped the cork - and here I am - floating - but probably heading for the hurt locker by the morning.....

Spo | September 9, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia

September 8, 2006

Get A Real March On…..

I’d woken at around 7am and promised myself 10 mins to just lie there, close my eyes and think about the beginning of the day ahead - just 10 mins more to sort of visualise the next hour, getting ready for work - brush teeth, long shower, decent proper shave, unload and hang the washing, iron a shirt, shine the shoes, check the email, make up a decent breakfast - some cereal, toast and eggs to be munched while watching the news over a cup of tea - water the plant, clean up cutlery, click on the I-pod and lock the door on the way out while taking out the trash - leisurely stroll to work.

Sounded good. All boxes ticked. Smile.

Woke again at 7.55am.......

checked that time again........

Motherfucker

Teeth get a once-over and I follow it with a 3 minute cold shower - check the mirror and run a brush through bed head barnet once to no avail - decide the just-woke-up look will have to do and hope yesterday’s 5pm shadow doesn’t develop into just plain tramp-assed-scruffy over the day to come - washing can stew in it’s juices and I’ll spin it again later - pick out shirt that looks the least dragged-through-a-bush-backwards from the perennial to be done rack - stub toe while trying to kick on shoes --- fuck fuck fuck fuck - fuck the news, fuck the plant, fuck the trash - slap bread, slap butter, slap cheese and roll it up for a breakfast on the run washed down with one gulp of mango juice straight from the carton - fall out of door in a tangle of undone shoelaces, flailing earphones whilst fumbling for keys that just-won’t-go-in-the-motherfucking-lock-properly-for-fucks-sake.

..... get a real march on.....it’s 8.10am

Friday - I’m ready for you - give it your best shot.

September 7, 2006

Snake Heart - “That’s Still F**king Beating!!!!”

So they brought out this live viper, cut out it's heart, put it in a shot glass and I drank it - because that's what you do at a Hanoi snake restaurant.

Spo | September 7, 2006 | Comments
Daily Life - Vietnam | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

September 2, 2006

Lazyboy payday…..

Recent living beyond my means has come to a head and with the flat in

getting finished some time around November, I’ve got stamp duty and solicitors bills to pay and not a lot in the bank.

I suppose if I hadn’t gone to the world cup, bought a big fucking TV, a new computer, football season ticket, flew back for friends wedding last weekend and gone to the V festival: I would be breaking even right now - a lot richer financially, but a lot less enriched in terms of damn fine memories and experience - which is a nay too bad sound-bite for what life is all about.

The bank in UK and I are currently arguing over the overdraft fee’s but it’s hard to argue such matters with someone who takes your money before you actually see any of it and this also means it’s fairly tough to get them to give it back. Burying their heads under blankets of bureaucracy and hiding from me across the English channel - financial fuckwits of doom, merchants of misery..... .

Things all got a bit fecked when I moved countries and took time setting up new accounts etc etc - when life is literally all over the place, outgoings aren’t stable and structured for a while and you can get caught out - especially if, like me, you have a habit of on saying “yes” a bit too quickly when a moments thought would be better advised:

Example:

Barnes: Come to Germany, see England at the world cup and go drinking in Frankfurt all night.

Me: Yes.

Cest La Vie, I’ll fight the financial powers that be once I’m back in the UK for two weeks in October - face to face indignation and getting my facts straight on paper works a lot better than bitter international phone calls.

So what does one do when one has a weekend and not too much cash to fill it out?

Gambling of course!

England vs Andorra is one of those golden opportunities to take the bookies to the cleaners - a game where the result is a foregone conclusion and the finer details of victory are also a lot easier to predict - observe:

Andorra is a very small Principality located on the border of France and Spain in the Pyrenees mountains - around 71’000 people live there and that is less than the capacity of the stadium they were playing in today - Old Trafford (76’000). Not that many people means not that many footballers and not many footballers means slim chances of actually finding 11 that are good enough to play against the larger nations of Europe (England population around 60 million).

They are ranked 132 in the world have only ever won 3 games in their 10 year history and are the perennial whipping boys of European Championship qualification along with Luxembourg, Lichtenstein, Faeroe Islands, San Marino and Scotland.

They try to keep the score down and play with all men behind the ball in their own half, hoping that sheer volume of bodies in the way will prevent too many goals going in. This doesn’t often work (biggest loss 9-1) but it does help to keep the scores down and embarrassment on an international scale to a moderate level.

They are one of the most penalised teams in European Qualification history, collecting a fairly large quota of red and yellow cards each game - the mantra being that if you aren’t skilful enough to stop your opponent scoring against you then you may as well kick him off the ball. They also spend a lot of time rolling around on the floor feigning injury - the tactic being that if you are wasting time on the clock then that is time in which your opponents are not firing shot after shot at your goalkeeper (predictably, their star player).

So, Andorra - not very good, not likely to score or even to attempt to for that matter - but quite good at breaking up play and time wasting.

Just a question of how many England would be allowed to score in 90 minutes.

Here you take a few factors:

* Their keeper Koldo is a decent shotstopper (he gets enough practice)

* Andorra will disrupt the play enough to stop it being a real routing,

* England will have a relaxed state of mind once a few early goals are in and take their foot off the gas a bit.

* The game takes place mid-season and club players (and their managers) won’t want injuries or tiredness so will be under orders to take it easy

* A few strikers on the field with something to prove but effectively it’s a high profile training game with a all three substitutes getting on the field disrupting play further.

* Then there’s the miserable weather making the ball that little bit more difficult to control and tackles a little harder to time.

So I’m thinking England score every 15 minutes or so and this gets broken up by contributing factors here and there making it 5-0 - sounds good - time to throw money at it and make the game interesting.

I registered for Blue Square who give free 25 pound bets to anyone signing a new account as long as you place a bet of 25 pounds yourself - 5 pounds on Gerrad first scorer and 20 pounds on England winning 5-0 - put the free bet on the same result at 11/2 - odds are shitty as the Bookies know it will be a white wash.

Things started very well - two early goals and then a bit of a turgid twenty minutes or so before the next one - 3-0 at half time - early goal in the second half and Andorra looked up for a routing - sure enough England were peaking too early for me and the 5^th went in sometime around 60mins - Andorra where lying down too easy and the score looked like it was going to get up towards 7 or 8. Then Andorra did what they do best - started to kick people and roll around on the floor - their Keeper suddenly started pulling amazing saves out the bag - England missed a few sure things and Hargreaves smacked the post - every minute the clock gave up was a minute closer to pay day - but I had quite a few to go before I was home and dry.

At first I figured it was too much - that England would surely get another one or two and there was no point getting excited - but when the clock hit 75 minutes gone I started to believe it was possible - suddenly I was on the edge of my seat cheering every decision that went in Andorra’s favour - every off-side England got caught with, every attack that broke down, every stray pass, every failed corner.

Andorra were helping as much as they could but they rarely managed to keep the ball for more than a few seconds before giving it back to England - it was all very tense stuff as the time trickled down and I started getting superstitious about everything - like don’t hold your hands together as you shouldn’t pray for money - and don’t send out gloating text messages to friends before the final whistle as karma is a bitch and loves opportunities to smack you down like that.

The referee wasn’t on my side as he played around 5 minutes of injury time due to all the Andorran play acting - luckily England didn’t seem bothered by then and their minds where on the upcoming game in Macedonia on Wednesday - the whistle blew and the money was mine - got my 20 quid back plus another 247.50 on top - not bad for a days loafing in a lazyboy.

Spo | September 2, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland