King of the Monkey Butlers

April 28, 2006

You Don’t Like Rice Michael?…..

Credit card company called and asked if I’d spent 850 pounds in an Indonesian beauty parlour yesterday - as it happens the first thing I thought was how on earth do you spend 850 quid in an Indonesian beauty parlour? and then I told himno - not recently - they removed all the suspect activity from my statement and told me to cut the card up - someone on the other side of the world had gone shopping with it - but in the end I wouldn’t have to pay - so it was all OK.

The moral of the story is that MBNA are quite handy at making sure you don’t get ripped off and also that when you come across a too cheap to be true DVD site based in Thailand - it is in fact probably too good to be true and you shouldn’t buy things from them with your credit card.

Doofus award pour moi.

Tea Retail company we supply sent some folk over to discover the world of tea and choose new products - they wanted to mess around with fruit teas, Rooibos, Peppermint, Chamomile and Green teas - my boss kind of over elaborated on the charm offensive and probably scared the crap out of them - you could see the jokes tumbleweeding across the tasting room - the constant stream of technical tea chatter was going in one ear and out the other as glazed eyes looked around for some sort of excuse to get the hell out of there - my boss seemed oblivious and just steam rollered his way through the day regardless of his obviously wilting audience.

They work in a large multi national corporation that runs the rule over its workforce like something from George Orwell’s 1984 - they have directives sent down to them saying that they must have a paperless office within a week and must dispose of all In-trays and filing cabinets - they go on team building exercises where they wear different coloured hats to show how they are feeling inside - they are limited to one personal item per desk - they no nothing about the job they are doing and manage to get through days by looking interested, nodding and saying yes a lot while reversing any question asked of them back in the opposite direction - people are never sure if they are going to be sacked or not - that kind of thing.

My boss is a very frustrating strange little man sometimes, but I sure as hell prefer dealing with him to working in their bureaucratically fucked up nine-to-five nightmare of a scenario.

They were good people though - especially the feisty blond girl smuggling pillows - she looked like she had a few tricks up her sleeve - ahem - anyways, I let my boss continue his spiel for most of the day and chipped in where necessary - one of the girls turned and asked about whether Green tea was really any better for you than Black tea and if it really was as beneficial to your health as it’s made out to be - I thought about launching into a lengthy explanation of how during production, the earlier you prevent oxidiation, the more anti-oxidants will remain and how these were important in fighting off free radicals inside the body, preventing numerous ailments such as the spread of cancerous cells for example - that unlike black tea, Green tea doesn’t go through a fermentation period before drying and that therefore there would be more anti-oxidants present.

However, when I saw that the day was getting long and people were looking for something short, sharp and to the point, I simply said that it was just like Kiefer Sutherland says in the Lost Boys How can a billion Chinamen be wrong?

Spo | April 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

April 24, 2006

Quality….

Japanese Kids Go Mental on The Xylophone

Genius

April 21, 2006

4/20 - time for a time out for old times sake…..

Suitably for 4/20 my head is all over the place today - life has jumped up a notch - escalated in fact - I didn't kill anyone with a trident or anything - but it has still been fairly eventful.

Now I gotta get my head round the whole agreeing to throw my chips in the air and see where they lay and up sticks for Rotterdam - fitting that the day the deal is done is April 20th and I'm off to Holland - the date timing is all in the hands of the powers that be across the water - some time in May they say - gotta get a few things sorted this side but I never really settled since returning last November and most of my stuff is still in boxes to tell the truth - just the issue of the flat I bought - that isn't finished - rent or sell?....

Think about that another day - for now I'm not contemplating the if's but's and maybe's of all and sundry to come - all I am appreciating is that there are if's but's and maybe's to contemplate in the first place as I know for sure if I'd of stuck at it here then I could safely predict the in's and out's of each and every working day for the next 10 years or so.

So I guess here I sit - the calm before the storm - whirlwinds on the horizon - so sit back and relax - appreciate fine fortune - the cusp of new adventures - whisky - and the fantastically fuzzy reason behind why today is 4/20 for lackadaisical loafing monkeys with their heads in the clouds everywhere - and deal with all that rest of my life tomorrow.....

April 20, 2006

Destined to be the Greatest Sound of the UK Summer?

Ska-pop monster from Keith Allen's daughter: Lily Allen - LDN

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Videos & Links

April 20, 2006

88mph….

Well there was a bomb scare, our bags got lost for a few days, I spent over 200 quid in strip clubs, one day out of 8 sober, saw my friends have an outstanding wedding, successfully dodged the sun but possibly cracked a rib and returned to find and take up an offer to continue my tea tasting adventures in Holland and work and live in Rotterdam.

What a week.

Don’t worry I’ll explain - starting below....

April 20, 2006

Bears Bomb Scare Bonanza….

One of the highlights of my holiday was the Heathrow Bomb Scare at 7am on Sunday 9th of April - you see after checking in and munching brekkie, myself and my friend Bear were about to go through to departures - suddenly a good old fashioned beginning of the holiday season bomb scare announced itself - what this meant for everyone the wrong side of the passport gate was that they had to pile out into the car park for an hour and a half of muchos standing around freezing your ass off tom foolery. What it also meant was no access to the toilets.

Bad news for my friend Bear.

After about 20 mins he seriously needed to drop the kids off at the pool and there was no way the police would let him back in the building to use the nearest gentleman’s arena. He strutted around like Tarquin the pucker faced Ostrich boy - taking deep breaths and doing an awful lot of squinting - it was one of the funniest sights I have ever been privileged to witness and then tension of will he? won’t he? - was unbelievable.

Eventually the bough was on the verge of breaking and Bear had to make a polite waddle to the lifts down to the car park.

A murky corner of short stay car park level 3 will always hold a special place in Bears heart as this was were he found release from his woes.

Some poor station wagon owning family is going to come home to find a nasty surprise waiting for them by the drivers side doorway.

The true sincere wrongness of it all.

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

April 8, 2006

Perfect send off!…..

10 quid each way on Numbersixvalverde winner of the Aintree 2006 Grand National!!!!!!!!!

= 150 quid winnings to blow on Cyprus!

Gran always did say I was destined to be lucky after being born on a Sunday!!

Hurrah!!!!!!

April 7, 2006

The King of Organised Living….

Up until yesterday I hadn’t really given much thought to the impending week ahead - in the early AM of Sunday I’m flying to Cyprus for my friends wedding - they’re first of those amongst us to get married from the group who have pretty much stayed freinds since we were all 11 or 12 years old - time flies.

Danvers asked advice on his best man speech - would you laugh if someone got up and said ”I first met the bride and groom in the middle of a orgy gang bang in some Soho sex club - there were tits and arseholes everywhere - much like there are before me here today!”

Boom-Boom.

room killing penny dropper?

or surfs the wave of good natured early drunkeness and gets a laugh?

He said it’s too risky even though he himself laughed his ass off.

The last 24 hours I’ve been getting my head around what time I’m flying, what I do about my ticket, who I’m flying with, which airport, how I’m gonna get to the airport, insurance, clothes.... oh yeah and the 10 or so hours of music I was supposed to have selected, organised and burned onto CD’s for the after wedding drinks in the bar general tom foolery.

So I thought this would be easy - get I-tunes, sort in order of ratings and genre etc etc - but I realise that my collection requires a bit of gardening - should do it as you go really - for collections that are ever growing via the borrowing, buying and stealing form like minded musical folk, a spot of weekly gardening is necessary - ratings, song names, deleting chaff and duplicate tracks.....

If you don’t do it your chances of being able to simply select 10 hours worth of tracks and get around to sorting them in suitable genius mix tape fashion are severely hindered somewhat.

Now then - these people aren’t gibbons nor have they given any particular guidance to what they really want to hear - the CD i burned featuring a lot of the list below is up their street - it’s music for the bar, not for dancing around to - I don’t have to choose chessy floor fillers, stomping techno or old time sing a long classics - I just have to choose good music that most modern musically minded monkeys will appreciate - not too fast - not too slow.....

at a glance....

Thievery Corp, Jack Johnson, Bloc Party, Yeah,Yeah,Yeah’s, White Stripes, Surfjan Stevens, Death Cab, Jimi Hendirx, Ice Cube, John Legend, Kanye West, G-Love, Arctice Monkeys, Finlay Quaye, John Butler, The Editors, Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, The Constantines, Hard-Fi, The Fugee’s, TCQ, De La Soul, Jurassic Five, Snoop, John Mayer, Chemical Brothers, Sia, Zero 7, The Bee’s, Fiest, Kings of Convieniance, The Coral, Damien Rice, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Idlewild, Elbow, Interpol, The Doves, The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, The Dears, Micheal Jackson....

and Billy Ocean

C’mon - you can’t ignore the Ocean.

Anyways - dipping into my music collection I can already see that this is all going to take me some time - early hours type stuff - but good quality time wasting none the less - give me advice or additions to make via the comments section. I can get anything I need off the net as long as I know the title I’m looking for.

I’m gonna get me a huge list of tracks I think are quality - then I’ll pace it out - break it up - burn it all.

Sure not everything is going to suit the mood and occasion - but I’ll get to that later - right now I just need a huge list of kick ass tracks.

I also think Whisky may help my decision making - it usually does.

And once I’ve finished this all I have to do is find my passport.

muchos gracias people - I’ll post when I can over the next week...

Spo | April 7, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

April 6, 2006

My Poker name is….

Bootlace

Or simply:

The Lace

it's the Lace on the flop with a couple of Jackanories to tell!....

Spo | April 6, 2006 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 6, 2006

Obviously….

Why do you always look so god damned tired al the time?

Well it’s a combination of not being able to say no to a drink and the entire series of the Soprano’s playing out at 11.35pm weeknights on More4.....

Fairy nuff.

April 4, 2006

Incoming! Take cover!……

Man oh man oh man oh man - feeling so ruined and broken - did well to get to the end of yesterday afternoon and then went out for dinner with a long lost good friend of mine - I was paying, she was driving, I was listening, she was interrogating - so I finished all the wine and tried to bluff but kinda got lost for words as my approach to love, life and the future was dissected over the course of the meal - I have answers to such questions on a good day - not on a day of recovery from the wknd just past - wrong day to try and see what makes me tick when the all I got is the weekends whisky coursing through my veins.

One side of us there was one of those beautiful couples that have nothing to say to each other - are you a natural blonde? - is that a good car or.... is it like a car that is kinda good? - other side sat two girl friends who where a bit too quiet and where a bit too close to us, so I end up feeling like I'm on trial in the eyes of all woman kind - they listened in knowing I was in trouble.

"...So what kind of woman do I want to meet? What am I doing about it? Why hasn't it happened so far? What is it about the relationships with the women friends closest to you that teaches you about what you do and don't want from an actual relationship? Why didn't you take things further with the women you've been involved with in the past? If certain situations were your fault and you recognise that now, why did you not recognise it then? Is it that you are chasing after impossible situations as you know that way you'll never actually have to face up to being in a relationship and can wallow in the misfortune you purposefully create? Why do you think you have to be the one to try and impress and say all the right things? Can't it be the other way around? Who needs lines when both people being themselves is better anyway? Why does the flat, car, money and physical appearance have to come before getting to your love life? Won't there always be another 6 months until my life is in order?...."

I'm not kidding - and that's just what I can remember - coming in quick fire fashion as I sink beneath the red waves of some fine South African number and just try and get a word in edgeways every so often.
She may have had her moments of clarity along with madness in equal degree - and It's not that I disagree with all of what was levelled or don't have answers given a moment to consider.

It's just that I really would of rather been tucked up in bed than under the spotlight....

...Gods honest is that I think that being out of shape, living with your parents, no car, needing to save what ever money I can towards the flat that I manage not to waste on drinking and not knowing where to start when it comes to an opening gambit kind of puts such designs on hold for 6 months until I get some of the aforementioned sorted out.

"you always seem to be recovering from a hangover of some variety....." she said...

Spo | April 4, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal